Being a Himekaji Princess with Mental Illness

[amberdaisuki]

My heart races, my breathing becomes difficult, and my thoughts spiral out of control. I'm lost in a state of panic and fear. I'm being stopped by strangers, telling me that I look beautiful, asking where I get my clothes, but all I want to do is cry or scream or hide.

Since I was young, I suffered from anxiety and depression. I live my life coping with it every day. Some days are easier than others. Some days, I stare at my himekaji wardrobe and wish I had the energy to get dressed. They hang in my closet, wanting to be worn and admired, but I simply can't bear the thought of leaving the house or even getting out of bed.

On days when I'm able to cope better, dressing in himekaji makes me feel beautiful. I feel like a princess, ready to make her presence known while enjoying life. Those days, I can enjoy the process and look in the mirror feeling beautiful. Sometimes, I even feel bold enough to post my coordinate online for the world to see. Even on those days, the anxiety and depression can come creeping back in without warning. It takes one negative comment on Instagram, one strange look, one inappropriate comment from a man to send me down a spiral.

Leaving Social Media

It has taken me some time to understand how to continue living my life as a himekaji princess while still dealing with my mental illness. One major change has been to set boundaries on how I publicly interact with the world. It is a struggle, but for my own mental health, I cannot post my coordinates on social media anymore. For years, I desperately sought validation from social media to fill the void in myself. I never loved myself, I never thought I was enough. I wanted to find that with likes and followers online, but even when I reached a number that would be considered large by others, it was never enough. I was never validated enough. If anything, it brought more negative attention than the positive I thought it would. The larger my follow count got, the more frequent I would receive horrible comments.

I do not have a thick skin and I am now accepting that I can't handle how toxic the internet can be. Being told I'm ugly, my nose is crooked, my teeth are crooked, I'm using too many filters, I look old, or whatever the troll of the day feels like saying is demoralizing. I can try and tell myself they're just sad people looking to beat me down for their own lack of happiness, but it doesn't make a difference. I start believing their lies. I start believing that I am ugly because they say I am. I wasn't built for scrutiny by people I've never met in person. I can't handle when someone tears me apart from limb to limb based on a post on Instagram.

Now, I do not post on social media. I do not check social media. As much as I desperately want to, I can't. I've tried for years now. I've done everything I can by curating my feeds, setting my profile to private, turning off comments on my posts, but I can't escape the destruction caused on my mental health. My only source of connection to the community which I still enjoy is through Discord groups and one-off chats outside of social media.

Dressing Up For No One But Me

The energy to take pictures of my coordinates is gone. Before, needing to have validation online was what gave me life. I would setup these elaborate photo shoots, putting on my best, fake smile. I would hate every inch of myself in those photos, editing my features into oblivion because I wasn't perfect enough. Let's fix that nose, whiten my teeth, hide those under eye bags, remove those smile lines, enhance my eyes. I wasn't good enough as myself. I had to be more beautiful to be loved I thought and to be loved was to get likes.

It was a struggle the first few times I decided to dress up for myself and not immediately take a picture to post online. There is nothing wrong with doing so, but my mental health was dependent on everyone's opinions of me. Releasing myself from that need has been extremely challenging. My own opinion and perception of myself is very low, but it is getting better. While I have days where I stare at the mirror and think of every horrible thought about myself, I have been getting more days of joy. More days where I dress up and look at myself, feeling beautiful on my own.

Moving Forward

I don't know what my mental health will be like tomorrow or the next day. I take it day by day. I prioritize my self-care and self-love. My himekaji life is a part of that, but to keep it private is still an adjustment. To keep this part of my life to myself and to learn how to love myself is hard. I am getting there, better and better each day even with setbacks. My anxiety medication will be with me for awhile and I'm grateful to have the support of a wonderful therapist who understands me. Not everyone has these opportunities to take care of themselves and I am extremely blessed. With one day at a time, I will remind myself of who I am and why I love myself.